Have you ever had a day where you know it is only by the grace of God that your children are still alive?
Maybe I'm the only one but yesterday was that day for me. By the end of the day I felt so sorry for my kids. I see so many great moms out there who do great things and then my kids have me. I lost my temper too many times to count yesterday. I hate doing that! And yet Emily would still smile at me which made me feel more guilty and horrible. It didn't help that yesterday was the first yucky day in a week. So lots of inside time! I was telling Landon how horrible I am last night and he told me that it wasn't that I was a bad wife and mom it's just that I acknowledge that I am not a perfect wife and mother and instead of seeing the good that I do I beat myself up over the stuff I do imperfectly. I know where I need to improve but it just doesn't seem to be motivating enough to change.
Here is an example: Emily has taken to running away. Just started this week. First it was just to our neighbors yard to play with her kids (who we hadn't introduced ourselves to.) The next day it was to walk into my mother's neighbors house to see if she had toys (in which Eva gave her a cookie so I have a feeling that will happen again.) After listening to my husband's strong concerns about this I resolved to better watch her. Then there was today...... Collin needed a new diaper before we headed home from church so I brought Emily into the church and shut the door behind me. (Landon has meetings after church so its just me.) The other girl in nursery with Emily, Elly, was still there so they were running around playing together. Elly's mom, Theresa, and I were chatting as I changed Collin's diaper. Next thing we know we realize that the front door is open and the one of the nice firemen (Rita-the one with the eyelashes) from the firehall across the street is holding both our girls in his arms. Yeah, I guess one of the members of our branch thought that the doors being closed on a nice spring day was not good. (His words when my mom asked him about why the doors were open.) He watched our daughters leave and then promptly started talking to someone else. They crossed the street and climbed up two stories of stairs on the outside of the firehall. The firemen thought that they could hear children outside and opened the door to find our daughter sitting there. AHHHHH! I didn't even last one day with my resolve to watch my daughter more carefully.
I guess my prayer is going to have to be for the Lord to keep my children safe. I promise I'm doing my best but it just doesn't seem to be enough with my toddler.
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4 comments:
So sorry for the bad day. I know how you feel. I think we all have those days. I think that's why God gives us nap times and bed times so that we have a little time to collect ourselves and when that doesn't work we have the next day. Not to make you feel bad but it makes me feel better about myself when other mom's admit they lose their tempers too :).
I chatted with my friend yesterday about women and their guilt...mine over not being a good mom and hers over not being happy while waiting to adopt one. I think it is what women do best. I will have you chat with my friend Cassie whos son runs around town at 18 months cause he can open every lock in their house. Love you and you are a great mom. Lets face it we all lose it and have bad days. Believe me my kids would agree.
It's true! Ask my kids about when I lose it sometimes....and ask Justin how guilty I feel some days for being so rotten.
Maybe the truly bad moms are the ones who don't ever feel bad? :)
I have SO been there Tamara...still am. I feel like a horrible mother and wife EVERY day, at some point. Kids are tough! Especially when they're too young to understand WHY they can't run away or do this and that. I must say though, knowing there is at least one other mom out there like me, makes me feel slightly better :). Love you Tamara and you are a WONDERFUL mom and wife. Trust me, you are better off than me!
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